A lot of things have happened which I suppose I should talk about. Subconsciously I write lj entries in my head throughout the day. I guess I just get too lazy to actually type. Or.. I feel guilty because there are other things I should be doing. Like SAT and schoolwork and more school work and papers and fucking more papers. And you know what?
I haven't felt anything.
Do you know how scary that is? I can't express because I don't feel emotion. I feel as if I can't sing anymore, now that I'm realizing it. I haven't really sung anything in ages. As much as I surprsingly enjoy it, I do want to write more about chemiosmosis and cell membranes. I want the time to do so without worrying about AP Euro and other things.
No, scratch that. I can't even complain about the workload. Again, all my other classes besides AP Bio are a fucking joke, but I still got 100s for the marking period in Murphy's, Camp's, and Rackow's. It's hilarious and ironic to get such a grade in classes I don't care... but it's so empty. I'm doing all this work but it feels like... carrying Q-tips. It's the weirdest example, but the first thing that came to mind. See how pointless it is? Carrying pocketfuls and handfuls of Q-tips to the moon and back. Absolutely weightless. Absolutely meaningless. Yet, the job still gets done because it's too easy.
I miss my friends. I miss my class last year. I miss my family. I miss NYLF. I count my genuine laugh out loud laughter to about twice a week now. And oh, how it saddens me. Junior year has all the students jumble-mumbled. And as much as I was excited about it at first, how disappointing it was to find that I was mixed in with a lot of annoying people. That kind of thing kills a person, slowly. My smiles in the morning are a weight I have to lift, literally. I feel horrible when I can't engage in a good conversation with someone who walks up to me anymore. I look back and I can't help but wonder...
Where did she go? My old self. The one who was always so happy and bubbly and had a lot of friends. Who sang and danced and was amazing and had a story to tell. It's one of the few times I regard my past and present selves as individuals. But it really feels like it.
Junior year has a long ass resume. But why do I feel so empty? Maybe I would cry... if I had the emotion to.
I am 1 tsb. of peanut butter spread across the table.
I have no idea.
It's a good thing though, I think. You can tell my periods of relative sanity with the large gaping holes of missing journal entries on Live Journal. You know... when I don't really have much to emote--or time to, at least.
Oh, Lord she's writing again.
Thing's have been going alright, I guess. I'm not stressed as hell, nor am I particularly challenged. Going to school is like eating without taste buds or smell. That's what Junior year is basically: a bland necessity. I'll have to admit Sophomore year was a dramatic son-of-a-bitch but at least it had a story. Even if it was pretty childish and naive. I get ashamed sometimes. But then that's stupid. A person can't keep regretting what she did in the past. You can't be indignant with your youth, you fucking hypocrite.
It just sucks cause I really thought I knew everything. Slap, slap, slap to the face.
But I've had someone to talk to. A really good friend from high places, I like to say. It's such an amazing feeling to meet a kindred spirit. And he's influencing me to start getting ready for college and shit. Well, he's talking about it and my natural competitive nature feels compelled to do something too. God, college. I don't know why it's harder for me to get into preparing and researching. Maybe because I don't fucking know about my future. I swear, I worked harder in elementary school to get into high school.
Honestly, my reasons for coming back to Live Journal aren't entirely sincere. Figured it might help me, you know? All my classes besides AP Bio are a joke man. One big HAHA. Precalc with Rackow, BritLit with Murphy, and Chem with Camp (DEAR LORD BIND THAT WOMAN'S MOUTH). The teachers are alright, but coming from a year with Gutmann, Dr. Nina, Jefferson, Ameruoso... I was really thinking. And now, I'm not. But I can't complain... At least I don't have AP Calc.
Main point is that I'm not writing anymore. And I figure that's something a person has to develop when they're gonna be writing college applications pretty soon . And I actually want to make a name for myself by going to one of those elite, Ivy league schools. There's a lot of people I have to make proud (myself included) and a lot of people I want to indirectly slap in the face. "Yes, daddy, I did this without your help." "Yes, maybe I'm not that pretty or tall or rich, but I'm a hell of a lot smarter than you."
And maybe by writing again I'll find who the hell I am. Yes, it's a common theme from my previous posts. Unfortunately, I still don't know. But I'm pretty content with working right now. My libido's under control. I've lost the weight I wanted, but I still want to lose more. The scale refuses to budge, but even then I'm alright. I'm not a stressed as I thought I'd be.
Since I started that Philosophy leap with Gutmann my mind's been boggled. I'm in love with Gutmann, honestly. And Plato makes me feel sad about the human race. Shameful of this generation. However, I do have to give credit for its open-mindedness. OBAMA-RAMA!) My brain hurts.
Why do I have to season my self up for institutions and careers? Why for other people? Why can't I just transcend time and matter and the heavenly bodies and soak myself in these ideas, ideas, ideas? Which one, in the end, matters then? This reality--where the ignorant work and make money and ultimately survive-- or truth, where people can contemplate and know and in the end come home to an empty plate.
I don't fucking know. I wanna get drunk and make out.
Off to SAT prep!
I got my braces off today. I look like a rabbit named Chomper. I'm not prettier. I hate my retainer.
Didn't tell anyone, they'll dinf out soon enough. In any case, I hope my mouth can adjust quickly. Ack, so I'll still have to have something in there. Guess I'll always look like a monkey from the side view. But I am glad they're off. It feels weird, though. What a downer. My mouth is still restricted from what it wants. Damn, this painful retainer. I'm sorry. Muah.
June 29 was the Filipo Idol competion inn Exchange Place--or rather, was supposed to be. This rush of wind and rain and thunder totalled the whole Filipino Festival. I thought it was hilarious. Some guy was still on stage singing "This Is The Moment" while the rain started to pour. Tents overturned, chairs toppled over, $4000 worth of equipment soaked, short little brown people running with barbeque to the sides for shelter... and this pour guy singing on a stage with no roof and no audience. He got down and kept singing from under and umbrella. What a hilarious sight. Ah, it was truly amazing. What it must be like to perform in the rain, huh? I loved the irony of my song, too: "Don't Rain On My Parade." LOL. I don't know why it had to rain just then, right when I get the opportunity to perform. I think God was punishing me for something. Yea, probably. And the guy in charge of it all seemed really pompous. But I can't judge. Not everyone I wanted was there, so that's alright. Jeez, I'll never have enough time if it gets postponed.
Anyway, I've been cooking a lot lately. Healthy stuff, you know? Trying to get my mom to eat healthier, but Tita Dolly isn't open to anything. Grr, hate narrow-minded people. I cooked an amazing dinner of soba noodles, sauteed vegetables, and honey-ginger chicken... and she fills up half of the table with leftovers. Also, been working out every day. I've lost 4 pounds I think... since the first weeks of June. 93 is the lowest I've seen in a long time. I don't know what I want. Maybe I wanna be skinny and see my shoulders and collar bone and back bones. Would I be happier then? More confident with the way I look then? I don't know. But I'll do it for the change. The majority of my life I've been overweight and unsightly... I can change that. Make myself beautiful because I see myself as that. I like that.
I leave for San Francisco in 2 days. It still hasn't sunken in yet. That I'll be traveling by myself. That I'll be in a totally different place the other side of the country, learning things. That I'll be seeing my father, his family, his home for the very first time. That my mom won't be there. Wow. I'm not even ready yet. I still have that Current Events class I'm taking online. I can only hope I get internet access in SA. If I don't, HA I'm screwed as fuck. Also trying to study the SAT prep book. Hoa told me he got a 2300. Why the hell did that kid take the SAT already?
Crap. I'm gonna fail. And cry.
Tomorrow I planned a picnic with fellow random sophomores who could make it. Hoboken Park, to see the fireworks. I missed them last year. I wanna cook "Aloha Chicken" and Zuchinni Bread. And now I hear it might rain? Mouu.. Lord, please help. Sige na please? :\
So that's it, huh. It hasn't really sunken in yet I guess. School kept on going even till now, it seemed like it'd never end. And then it did. Seniors weren't seniors anymore. And sophomores... became juniors. Ew. Well, I have the break to get myself together. I'm transforming myself. This summer is going to change me and make me beautiful. When I come back people are gonna go "Damn, where'd she come from?" And for once I'm not idle-- I'm actually travelling and doing something this summer. San Francisco in a week, then Utah, Philippines, and Japan. I'm gonna have to get used to freedom I guess.
Wait, what freedom? (SAT prep, online current events class, AP bio, japanese, summer reading)
Oh Filipino Idol is so soon. I got my red shoes to sing in. I'm getting nervous and self-conscious. Dammit, how long can I keep this happy up before I realize I suck again? I suck.
Oh dear, oh my. It seems to me that I've gotten myself addicted to yet another K-Drama: My Girl. Yes, yes I know. I'm awfully late. They have a filipino version out in the Philippines. I mean, I don't want to bash but... yea, it pretty much fails in comparison to the original. My mom says she likes the flip version, but she knows she's lying to herself haha.
SEOUL GONG CHAN LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES!
Ok. Anyway, on Saturday I finally got together with Francine to celebrate her birthday... which was on May 9. But hey, better late than never right? We went to Garden State Plaza only to shop at one store until closing time. Oh my God, the Forever 21 there is GODLY. Newport Mall fails a lot. Ah, so sick of that mall.
Francine and I stayed there and shopped, shopped, shopped till literally we dropped from all the clothes we were carrying. Perfect bonding time with best friend, no? I made a pact with my mom stating that there was going to be no limit for me that day. I hardly buy clothes, and the majority of what I own comes from the 7th grade. Also, I needed business clothes for NYLF. So yes, a change was needed. In all, I (or rather, my mother) spent over $300. Ahhh there goes that Wii.. :]
Yesterday, my cousin from my father's side asked me to sing at her baby's Christening. I find it quite ironic how I'm not close at all with my father, but I love my family on his side. I'm also glad they didn't forget me and my mother, though my dad hardly has contact. I also saw Raymond and Michael, my cousins, after 2 years! Raymond's the only cousin of my age in the States, and we grew up together. I think we were each other's first kiss even, but that's mad nasty. We used to have adventures in his background. Dig up earthworms and desecrate them, chew "wheat grass." I miss him. Didn't notice that. He's awfully quiet now, though.
I don't detest my father, though I once thought I did. He's just... clueless I guess. A person who's clueless is annoying, but you can't hate them because... they just don't know anything. (Just cause he's Mormon he had to move to UT??) But whatever. Biologically he's my father, but by the definition of "dad" I can't really say.
Well, I sang "Ikaw" and "Girl in 14G" and got great response. I've wondered why I seek compliments, but still don't believe that I'm all that great. I've come to the conclusion that I desperately want to entertain the audience. As long as I've made them happy, I don't have to worry about how bad I did. They won't have to know that I'm really quite horrible.
It makes me so happy to know I have my father's family's support, that I'm not just some "Bata ni Rick kay Bonna." It makes me happy that they remembered the little girl who sang kareoke. Ate Arpie (sp?) is incredibly beautiful, even at 30--and that's pretty young. Get this, her real name is really Filipina. We call her Arpie from Republic of the Philippines. Wow, now that's country pride. Ironically, her husband's white and at least 2 heads taller than her. They're incredibly cute together. Damn, their kid's gonna be tall.
I was thinking a lot on the drive back. And you know what? I'm really liking this feeling of contentedness. There's no traditional teenage, deep-thinking, depressing thoughts to write about here... and that's a fucking relief. I'm enjoying life right now. It's not a big adventure or dramatic story or anything like that. Life's a beautiful story in itself. In the sunset, in the laughs, in walks, in the summer rains. I forget my name sometimes. I'm enjoying it by not getting too attached.
And maybe because I'm finally getting what I want. A couple years ago I'd cry myself to sleep sometimes because I was so frrustrated with singing. I stopped voice lessons, I cracked everytime I performed, I hardly performed... I just wanted that recognition. But now, I've been given opportunities to sing and Lord, I am so greatful. But you know what? I had to chase after them. I had to chase for my opportunity to be happy, and then make myself happy. I'm also letting myself get to know more people, and it's wonderful.
But most of the blogs I read consist of dejectedness and guilt and depression and yadda yadda. We are such teenagers. I especially hate reading the same depressing blogs from the same people. I hate it because I want to help, but I really can't. Life can be hard, of course I know that. It's frustrating not knowing where the fuck you belong, letting go. I can't say that everyone should be (or can be) as optomistic. And some things just can't be helped. I find myself annoying sometimes, with the advice I give. Always look on the bright side! But Lord, I know sometimes there's none...
But Goddamit, you pick yourself up! The kind of happiness you want can only be achieved by you. Jesus, we're all trying to survive here, who's got time to be depressed? Nothing happens when you just sit there. A person can ask and vent and rant and whatever. I'll be that vent for you. But nothing's gonna happen unless you make it.
Someone might think I'm working too hard, always being busy. An overachiever. But I'm just enjoying life here. And going as far as my little body can take me.
Ok first: LKASJDFLKSJDF;LAKSJDF;LAKSDJF ;LS FALL;KJSAJFSLK;JDF A LK;JDFSA;LKJFDSA;LKJFDSAL;KJFDSA
So anyway, the past few days have been surprisingly eventful of sorts. I finally finished finals on Wednesday! WOOHOO! But seriously. That was fucked up. The night before I got home late so I didn't even have time to study for the Jefferson final. We had to right 5 random essays out of 10 and fill up a 16 page booklet. So basically, we had to know how to write 10 essays to write on the spot. Also had the bio final. So of course, I studied for Bio Ch. 1-20 (not even the half of the book) for 5 and a half hours. I didn't worry so much about history, since I could do that during lunch period.
Well.. it turns out that History was going to be first and Bio last. Well, with some last minute studying I was able to fill everything. But I was the last person to write. Nearly took my whole lunch period over. Damn, I'm gonna die at the SAT. Bio was next--but you know, wasn't so worried since I studied for 5 and half hours. Oh yea, slept at 3 and woke up at 6:30 too. So I go in the room... only to find I've been exempted from the final.
But anyway, I took a swag of Starbucks coffee and headed towards Newport with Fran. Yay, I missed best friend. We toured Hoboken and went into this little boutique that sold accessories. Thought we could make our Light Rail ticket limit by taking the 2nd St. stop... but I totally understimated the distance. We got there a minute before the limit, but our train never came. There goes another 2 dollars. At Newport, we saw Ate Dimple (my cousin) and the kids. She mentioned the Victoria Secret's semi-annual sale and we ran straight for it. I think we must have spent 1 1/2 hours there or something. Doing what? Sifting through 3.99 underwear of course. We both bought our first pair of thongs and vowed to wear it whenever the other decided to wear it. Our first schedule is tomorrow when we go shopping again. Yea, we're weird.
Yesterday Sal came over to visit and brought flowers and chocolate :] The gang went to Newport, but we didn't really do much. Jean thought it was a cool idea to "go with the flow" and walk all the way to Montgomery and back. But it was incredibly fun and carefree. Very infinite.
Today I went to Tita Bituin's house and FINALLY figure out what I'm gonna sing for Filipino Idol. So excited. There's a hint. Just now I just came back from watching Cry Baby in New York. Dude, it was absolutely AMAZING. I'm so glad I got to catch it before it closes on Sunday. Such a pity, it's such a wonderful show. So hilarious. What they did with the kissing scene was ingenius!
Anyway, all I want to do now is watch My Girl. I'm feeling carefree and happy. DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE.
(hint for ya)
I hate that most about myself. Insecurity. I feel so .. dejected right now. Not good enough, or pretty enough, or confident enough, or anything enough.
I just came back from singing in the Philippine Day thing over in Passaic. And for some reason, I got overly nervous I just kept talking and talking. Just.. trying to connect with the audience, but I couldn't get them. No response. Ended up making a big fool out of myself. I swear I could see thought bubbles popping out of their heads: "Just sing already!" I sang alright. Forgot a snippet of words in Ikaw, but other than that... I didn't crack. Went down to a Db instead of D, but I held the mic far away. Only people with a good ear and in music good hear it. I really, really, really need to stretch my belt. Girl In 14G was good, again. That's practically my song, never fails. And it caught more attention than Ikaw. But I'd really like to go back to my competition singing again, not so much broadway and jazz. But I love that too.
So why do I feel like crying?
I'm comparing myself with other people. I know it's really prejudice to say but... I feel so uncomfortable with people in the suburbs. I look at the kids my age there and it just feels like.. they're better than me. They have better clothes, they're hotter. I just don't feel good enough. And it's like... "What the hell am I doing here?" Most--not all-- are concerned with Coach, Abercrombie, Hollister, etc. etc. All the things I can't afford on a daily basis. They don't know public transportation or like.. the ghetto and the deep nitty, gritty stuff. I like talking to their parents better, because they know the hard work it takes to getting that kind of comfortable life. It's a horrible outlook, I know. And it's horrible to think that way of everyone. But I can't help thinking that. That they're judging me. Or... even if they don't give a damn, I feel that way anyway.
I'm upset at myself for making a fool of myself. For letting people get to me. And there's that one 12 year old girl always there singing too. Won the Pinoy Pop Superstar for kids last year, and you could tell it totally got to her head. That kind of snobbyness really,really, really gets to me. I don't know why. It just... makes me feel smaller. And I can't do my own thing properly.
God, I want that audience to accept me. That's all a performer could ever want. I"m entertaining them. And I'm learning more things about performing everytime I sing. I've learned you have to connect with the audience. But most of all, you need to TRUST yourself. Oh my God, like that's the biggest thing I need to work on. I tried overconnecting which led to talking to much which led to making a fool out of myself. I didn't have the confidence. And I couldn't just let it slide this time. What happened to the "fun slide?"
I don't know. I can only hope my actual singing made up for my extensive talking. See... I didn't even sing that bad. It was a good performance. I don't know why I feel so sad. My mom didn't record it cause she still doesn't know how to fucking use the camera. So I'll never know how my performance went from the audience's point of view. I don't know. I don't know. I hate this feeling.
Riana, you love that stage. Yes, I do. How the hell could you let people take you from that? I don't know. Well, you better fucking stop. I'll try. And stop being so prejudice about people, you horrible son of a bitch. Ok.
And oh yea, Happy Father's Day, mom.
Ah.. I'm so tired. Part of me just wants to sink into my bed and sleep for several millenia. But alas, way too many things to do.
12 Angry men was... hm. Everyone looked sexy in their business attire though. Except for me. Because my shirt was too large. Haha, XL from Limited Too. Mr. Gutmann let us do it again since we sucked total balls the first time. See what happens when no one memorizes their lines?
Last night was the Chorus Concert. Honestly, I think I have way too much fun while I sing. Oh my, I just LOVE that genre of music. American Standards, you know. Cole Porter, Gershwin, Irving Berlin.. etc. (It's raining now? What?) Just kept tapping and snapping. And oh that trumpet and saxophone just makes everything so sexy. Loved the tomcat drums too. Everyone was just simply amazing. And I do mean everyone. It's great seeing some people just let go and give it their all. Ms. Brancato came up to me and said I looked like I had fun...maybe too much? LOL. And this couple said that the song I sang was the song they danced to at their wedding. That was really sweet.
This morning I went to the Filipino Idol audition. Jeez, can you say "filipino time" to the max? They said to come before 10 AM. Ok. We waited there for 2 hours. What the hell. Anyway, my mom and I met up with this guy who was also auditioning. MIchael, I think. Born in the States, yet still a seasoned speaker of Tagalog. He'd definitely be one of the people High Tech would hate on for "only sticking with the Filipinos." It's good he knows his culture and all, but it seems to me like that's all he knows. Nursing school, tagalog interjections, sings an old-as-hell operatic filipino song, looking for Red Ribbon... Don't get me wrong, he's a really cool guy. Really fun to talk to too.
The other contestants didn't come until 12 or 12:30. Some were really great, experienced singers. This one guy just graduated with a degree in music industry. He sang great. And some, weren't so great. Chelsea was there too. That girl can belt, but she seemed really nervous. Poor girl. All in all, 16 supposedly registered but only 9 actually auditioned. They were going to accept only 8, but in the end they just let us all compete.
Oh, and I should say that annoying emcee at the Philippine Expo was there. He remembered me from when I last sang. Only this time, he wasn't so annoying. Just really cool beans. I didn't know he was a composer and such a good on-the-spot pianist. This one guy got bongo drums out of his car, the emcee took on the piano, and we just jammed a jazz version of "I Will Survive" right there on the stage in front of everyone. I made up lyrics haha. It was just so spontaneous and fun. ;] And plain old silly. I live my life for moments like these.
So yea, I'm in FIlipino Idol. It's on June 29. Eh.. gotta pick a good song. I got mad competition. And ARGH. Tomorrow is the Philippine Independence Day Parade! Gotta sing for that too... Also gotta study for finals. Damn.
LOL. Why the hell am I just singing for these Filipino things? Not that I'm complaining. Whatever gets thrown at me I guess. Taking my chances. Hm.. it's raining outside, in the broad daylight. Another thunderstorm. Shit. It's big.
Wah, I love summer rain.
Close call fo shizzles. See, I could've ... but I didn't. Thank goodness. God, you're really nice. But I was asking for it too.
Anyway, today was uneventful. We had a Wedneday schedule with a 1 o clock dismissal. Amazing. Also, finals were pushed back for tomorrow. Thank God too, since we totally would've bombed our English final. For this one, Mr. Gutmann's letting do a play for 12 Angry Men. It's just highly annoying for me (a theater person) how some people just don't give a fuck and have ADD x 120398. But whatever. "Rehearsal" --if that's what you wanna call it-- went well, for the most part. Can only hope the best for tomorrow.
Also, tomorrow's the American Standards Coffee House. That's pretty chill. Signed a couple yearbooks, but maybe 2. Which constitutes a couple, by the way. Kinda sad that not a lot of people are asking me to sign. Oh well, I'll get to know more people.
I helped my mom cook tonight. And I should really do that more often. Your food tastes even more delicious after you've cooked it yourself. Made this amazing salmon fillet (prepackaged) and did the recipe on the back. I love lime. Also cooked ampalaya! Yummy. And I ate a piece of vanilla bean cheesecake, TOTALLY going against my diet. But whatever. Yumm. :]
While I was cooking I got a phone call from Maharajah Idol saying that I'm singing for Sunday. What?? LOL. Why nobody told me this sooner, we'll never know. Gotta start looking for a song.
I don't usually do this anymore. Homework and finals and all this crap I have to do kills. But maybe... it's also because I've been somewhat happy lately. And if not happy, then content.
It's been a real heatwave. Not only has it been in the 80s-90s, we've had temperatures go over 100 in the past two days. And of course, all that hot wind has to go somewhere. Last night there was... I don't even know how to explain it. I felt the wind shake the house and the lightning strike on top of us. The wind howling, garbage cans rolling. It was the strongest wind I've felt in a long time. I turned off my computer (thank God, my files were saved) and ran straight towards my mommy's lap and hung on for dear life. Bitch, I don't care I was scared. Eventually we lost electricity for the whole night. Beautiful. There goes my essays. Thank God I wasn't the only one at home. I had text conversations with Francine, Toby, Olivia, Marko, and Liz. Later, Rogie, Rebecca, and their Dad came by to talk for a bit. We ended up having halo halo and ice cold buko juice by candlelight. It was sweet and spontaneous. We stepped outside the porch after the storm passed by. The damp wood felt cool. The drinks and conversations were cool. I love having Rogie for a landlord.
Today we ended up having no school because the lighting caused the electricity to go down. Mother Nature sure has good aim (lol Olivia). So.. I spent the early part of the day working, working, working out. Yes, I've regressed back to that old "Ineedtoloseweight" mindframe. But it gets milder, and milder when it comes back. This time, I'm really intent on making it down to 90. It's just 5 pounds, jeez! But I'm not gonna be anorexic again. 8th grade still scares me... how I actually counted less than 400 calories like that. This will be permanent.
Mommy was off so we had a good breakfast together and did the laundry. Later I suggested a movie and we watched Iron Man in Edgewater. That movie was friggin amazing, thought I wish I didn't read the reviews. It felt like a rollercoaster! A taco chip was held 5 inches from my open jaw for most of the show. Once it was finished, my mom felt like hopping to another theater and we watched the first 15 minutes of What Happens in Vegas. We left right after they slept with each other. -_-
Afterwards we headed to Hoboken. We walked around looking at cute little overprized boutiques. We ate at Satay later. I ordered the Mango Salad, which was totally not worth the 6.50. Literally, it was shredded mango, red cabbage, and red peppers. None of that leafy green stuff either. But my mom ordered the spare rib curry and we shared that with the ginger rice. Haha, it sounds so exotic. Kuya Jon stepped in to get Ate Dimple some food (they're always there) and we said our unexpeted greetings. Also saw another familiar lady come in, but I forgot her name. Took some fried ice cream to go (wasn't as good as Ashiya) and continued walking down Washington. Walked for a bit and saw Toby and Adele and Casey(?) walking right towards me. Gave Toby a quick hug and he took a bite out of my fried ice cream. Kept walking with mommy till we finally decided to come home. It was a great day.
I'm trying to be happy on my own. I am happier on my own. Spring brought upon all these teenage pheremones. Literally, I can tell you about 10 new couples walking around at High Tech. I was one of them, wasn't I? It's kind of awkward sometimes. But you know what? I have more freedom to be with people--connect with people I've never talked to before. I'm breaking out of my asiany shell lol. There's no extra "and (x amount of syllable name)" tagging along my name. I can flirt with who I like, talk to who I like. I don't have to constantly worry about how to keep things going. Right now, I really really wanna be on my own. There's so many things I want for myself, that only I can fight, fight, fight for. I'm determined to be happy. But this happiness I can only attain for myself. No one can give it to me, the happiness I long for. I don't want just some guy taking things from me. It's mine, I want it. And I'm annoyed at him for being what my mom said anyway. I don't want issues like that. In a way, a guy would own me.
Instead, I'm feeling the summer and I'm owning it. I'm owning the hill, the heat, the shorts, the summer dresses, the low-fat ice cream. I'm trying to be happy with my grades, where I am. I'm trying to be happy with how I look. I know I'm not the hottest person around. Often than not, I'm overlooked. Can't help but compare myself to Best Friend. But you know? I will be so amazingly hot, no one will know where I came from. So there.
Before I gave away my journal, I flipped through a few pages. Wow.. I was really frustrated with my singing and performing. Now I know God will provide in due time. It feels like I've just been singing everywhere now. After Tita Bituin, I feel all my confidence coming back. I get a gig or so once every 1 or 2 weeks. It's wonderful. My main goals: entertain the audience, feel the song. This friday I'm singing Someone To Watch Over Me with my own little twist for the Chorus Concert. Saturday I'm gonna audition for Philippine Idol. Wish me luck!
Finals are coming up, but I don't really care. I'll continue writing. Unexpected person I started talking to recently: Toby. He's actually really really cool beans. He just...worries me. And I don't wanna go all Dr. Phyllis and analyze his shit.. because no one likes being told guesses about their life and baggage. Can't help it though.
muziq x3 ri: arghh hate my computer
KingToby279: i hate my life
muziq x3 ri: :[
muziq x3 ri: switch your glasses
muziq x3 ri: is it really that bad?
KingToby279: i just joke around about it
He's mad cool beans.
Reading a new book I bought with Vanessa. Guess I'm stuck to buying Barnes & Nobles Classics, as they're cheaper. Books are so expensive these days. But oh it's so crips under my fingertips. It's Babbitt
by Sinclair Lewis, and it's amazing/hilarious/wonderful.
And oh yea! Today is Mr. Gutmann's birthday, so I bought him a can of Halo-Halo mix. ;] We had a whole discussion about halo halo and asian food in general once during class. Heh, maybe he's girlfriend can fix it up for him. Ah, he's such a cutie. A shame he's going through a midlife crisis. It's adorable actually.
Hello, big 4-0. You are so young.