Incredible. I haven't updated this thing in such a long time. It's kind of ironic since I go through the day thinking about what I'm going to blog about. It feels like I do the blogging in my mind already. I should really start spending 30 minutes to write out my thoughts here. It helps. 

Anyway, so many things happened since I last wrote. Even then, there were things I left out. Let's see... backtracking a month? Dracula was absolutely amazing. I think I finally know what it means to be in Musical Theater, and I love it all. Maybe I might get hated for that, but I don't really care. I didn't even completely lose touch with everyone after the show ended. My social circle at High Tech is expanding. It's kind of nice. 

Gift circle came and went, but I had to miss it because of the piano recital. Thank God, that's a load off. I finally quit piano after 9 years. I guess it feels kind of weird--just stripping off that asiany piece of me. No, I really loved it... But I just lost that passion. And my workload just simply won't allow it. In any case, I guess that's the last time I'll see the "New York Giants" in a while. God, how incredibly awkward was that. We were so close before... But they all grew up of course. All in their 20s, in college, in a relationship. All paired up but me. Except for King, of course. However, he's my age. I've often wondered what if we.. but I wonder about that with every guy. No, of course. Haha. Still, they're not the playful 17 and 18 year old kuyas I used to hang out with and have fun sleepovers with. Yes, all guys. I guess that sort of made me boyish, and I prided on that. But maybe there's a limit. Maybe once a person reaches 20 he's too old to hang out with you. He's got his lady, you know. But that's alright. We all have to grow up. I'm happy they're happy and that we could still hug and take pictures.  

I'm kinda proud with what I got people for Gift Circle. Basically, everyone gives the seniors and 4 random people a "meanigful" gift from around the house. No buying allowed. It's actually really easy to bullshit, but I wanted to give something nice. I got Nick the shirt he wore when we exchanged shirts. Ironically, he gave me the same thing. I gave Adrianna MJ's Thriller CD (I honestly couldn't find anything else). To Marko I gave my Build-A-Bear, Ryalle. At first I couldn't figure out what the hell to give him. But he gave the hint of being lonely, so I gave her to him. I gave Gaby... Jesus. I gave her my friggin journal. The only one I ever completed. It's quite uncanny (and frankly, quite annoying) how much we have in common. Though, I don't think I'm that  OCD about everything. It's a hard truth. But I do believe that a person can be so determined to be happy that... she ends up being unhappy. It's your mindset, you know? If you think the world's out to get you then yes, it is. 

I'm a slide. A fun, happy slide. Well.. as much as I can be. 

But we are alike, and we think alike. Our history as well (it's the journal I wrote in when my dad came) So I gave her that. I gave Sam my autographed Xanadu playbill and Nikki a bag of garlic (unfortunately, she didn't get our inside joke) and Fade. Goddamit I friggin gave away Perks of Being A Wallflower to Andres! It was hard, but it worked. Finally, I gave Ralph my infamous orange and yellow volleyball--virtually the only piece of athletic equipment I've known. It kind of figures. He's the closest thing to a kuya I have. All those beautiful memories are in that ball. 

So that's the Musical Theater updates. It's finally over. Now everyone starts from the bottom, desperately trying to hang on to a beautiful thing. This time, auditions are really auditions. Anyone (even the die-hard juniors) can get cut. There were 60 people at the audition, about 30 freshman who's notion of musical theater = High School Musical. I don't know. I don't think I have much to worry about. And if I don't get in, then I can do other things. 

 I don't usually do this anymore. Homework and finals and all this crap I have to do kills. But maybe... it's also because I've been somewhat happy lately. And if not happy, then content.

It's been a real heatwave. Not only has it been in the 80s-90s, we've had temperatures go over 100 in the past two days. And of course, all that hot wind has to go somewhere. Last night there was... I don't even know how to explain it. I felt the wind shake the house and the lightning strike on top of us. The wind howling, garbage cans rolling. It was the strongest wind I've felt in a long time. I turned off my computer (thank God, my files were saved) and ran straight towards my mommy's lap and hung on for dear life. Bitch, I don't care I was scared. Eventually we lost electricity for the whole night. Beautiful. There goes my essays. Thank God I wasn't the only one at home. I had text conversations with Francine, Toby, Olivia, Marko, and Liz. Later, Rogie, Rebecca, and their Dad came by to talk for a bit. We ended up having halo halo and ice cold buko juice by candlelight. It was sweet and spontaneous. We stepped outside the porch after the storm passed by. The damp wood felt cool. The drinks and conversations were cool. I love having Rogie for a landlord.

Today we ended up having no school because the lighting caused the electricity to go down. Mother Nature sure has good aim (lol Olivia). So.. I spent the early part of the day working, working, working out. Yes, I've regressed back to that old "Ineedtoloseweight" mindframe. But it gets milder, and milder when it comes back. This time, I'm really intent on making it down to 90. It's just 5 pounds, jeez! But I'm not gonna be anorexic again. 8th grade still scares me... how I actually counted less than 400 calories like that. This will be permanent.

Mommy was off so we had a good breakfast together and did the laundry. Later I suggested a movie and we watched Iron Man in Edgewater. That movie was friggin amazing, thought I wish I didn't read the reviews. It felt like a rollercoaster! A taco chip was held 5 inches from my open jaw for most of the show. Once it was finished, my mom felt like hopping to another theater and we watched the first 15 minutes of What Happens in Vegas. We left right after they slept with each other. -_-

Afterwards we headed to Hoboken. We walked around looking at cute little overprized boutiques. We ate at Satay later. I ordered the Mango Salad, which was totally not worth the 6.50. Literally, it was shredded mango, red cabbage, and red peppers. None of that leafy green stuff either. But my mom ordered the spare rib curry and we shared that with the ginger rice. Haha, it sounds so exotic. Kuya Jon stepped in to get Ate Dimple some food (they're always there) and we said our unexpeted greetings. Also saw another familiar lady come in, but I forgot her name. Took some fried ice cream to go (wasn't as good as Ashiya) and continued walking down Washington. Walked for a bit and saw Toby and Adele and Casey(?) walking right towards me. Gave Toby a quick hug and he took a bite out of my fried ice cream. Kept walking with mommy till we finally decided to come home. It was a great day. 

I'm trying to be happy on my own. I am happier on my own. Spring brought upon all these teenage pheremones. Literally, I can tell you about 10 new couples walking around at High Tech. I was one of them, wasn't I? It's kind of awkward sometimes. But you know what? I have more freedom to be with people--connect with people I've never talked to before. I'm breaking out of my asiany shell lol. There's no extra "and (x amount of syllable name)" tagging along my name. I can flirt with who I like, talk to who I like. I don't have to constantly worry about how to keep things going. Right now, I really really wanna be on my own. There's so many things I want for myself, that only I can fight, fight, fight for. I'm determined to be happy. But this happiness I can only attain for myself. No one can give it to me, the happiness I long for. I don't want just some guy taking things from me. It's mine, I want it. And I'm annoyed at him for being what my mom said anyway. I don't want issues like that. In a way, a guy would own me.

 Instead, I'm feeling the summer and I'm owning it. I'm owning the hill, the heat, the shorts, the summer dresses, the low-fat ice cream. I'm trying to be happy with my grades, where I am. I'm trying to be happy with how I look. I know I'm not the hottest person around. Often than not, I'm overlooked. Can't help but compare myself to Best Friend. But you know? I will be so amazingly hot, no one will know where I came from. So there. 

Before I gave away my journal, I flipped through a few pages. Wow.. I was really frustrated with my singing and performing. Now I know God will provide in due time. It feels like I've just been singing everywhere now. After Tita Bituin, I feel all my confidence coming back. I get a gig or so once every 1 or 2 weeks. It's wonderful. My main goals: entertain the audience, feel the song. This friday I'm singing Someone To Watch Over Me with my own little twist for the Chorus Concert. Saturday I'm gonna audition for Philippine Idol. Wish me luck!

Finals are coming up, but I don't really care. I'll continue writing. Unexpected person I started talking to recently: Toby. He's actually really really cool beans. He just...worries me. And I don't wanna go all Dr. Phyllis and analyze his shit.. because no one likes being told guesses about their life and baggage.  Can't help it though. 

muziq x3 ri: arghh hate my computer
KingToby279: i hate my life
muziq x3 ri: :[
muziq x3 ri: switch your glasses
muziq x3 ri: is it really that bad?
KingToby279: haha
KingToby279: naaah
KingToby279: i just joke around about it

He's mad cool beans. 

Reading a new book I bought with Vanessa. Guess I'm stuck to buying Barnes & Nobles Classics, as they're cheaper. Books are so expensive these days. But oh it's so crips under my fingertips. It's Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis, and it's amazing/hilarious/wonderful. 

And oh yea! Today is Mr. Gutmann's birthday, so I bought him a can of Halo-Halo mix. ;] We had a whole discussion about halo halo and asian food in general once during class. Heh, maybe he's girlfriend can fix it up for him. Ah, he's such a cutie. A shame he's going through a midlife crisis. It's adorable actually. 

Hello, big 4-0. You are so young.