Insecurity.
I hate that most about myself. Insecurity. I feel so .. dejected right now. Not good enough, or pretty enough, or confident enough, or anything enough. 

I just came back from singing in the Philippine Day thing over in Passaic. And for some reason, I got overly nervous I just kept talking and talking. Just.. trying to connect with the audience, but I couldn't get them. No response. Ended up making a big fool out of myself. I swear I could see thought bubbles popping out of their heads: "Just sing already!" I sang alright. Forgot a snippet of words in Ikaw, but other than that... I didn't crack. Went down to a Db instead of D, but I held the mic far away. Only people with a good ear and in music good hear it. I really, really, really need to stretch my belt. Girl In 14G was good, again. That's practically my song, never fails. And it caught more attention than Ikaw. But I'd really like to go back to my competition singing again, not so much broadway and jazz. But I love that too.  

So why do I feel like crying? 

I'm comparing myself with other people. I know it's really prejudice to say but... I feel so uncomfortable with people in the suburbs. I look at the kids my age there and it just feels like.. they're better than me. They have better clothes, they're hotter. I just don't feel good enough. And it's like... "What the hell am I doing here?" Most--not all-- are concerned with Coach, Abercrombie, Hollister, etc. etc. All the things I can't afford on a daily basis. They don't know public transportation or like.. the ghetto and the deep nitty, gritty stuff. I like talking to their parents better, because they know the hard work it takes to getting that kind of comfortable life. It's a horrible outlook, I know. And it's horrible to think that way of everyone. But I can't help thinking that. That they're judging me. Or... even if they don't give a damn, I feel that way anyway. 

I'm upset at myself for making a fool of myself. For letting people get to me. And there's that one 12 year old girl always there singing too. Won the Pinoy Pop Superstar for kids last year, and you could tell it totally got to her head. That kind of snobbyness really,really, really gets to me. I don't know why. It just... makes me feel smaller. And I can't do my own thing properly.

God, I want that audience to accept me. That's all a performer could ever want. I"m entertaining them. And I'm learning more things about performing everytime I sing. I've learned you have to connect with the audience. But most of all, you need to TRUST yourself. Oh my God, like that's the biggest thing I need to work on. I tried overconnecting which led to talking to much which led to making a fool out of myself. I didn't have the confidence. And I couldn't just let it slide this time. What happened to the "fun slide?" 

I don't know. I can only hope my actual singing made up for my extensive talking. See... I didn't even sing that bad. It was a good performance. I don't know why I feel so sad. My mom didn't record it cause she still doesn't know how to fucking use the camera. So I'll never know how my performance went from the audience's point of view. I don't know. I don't know. I hate this feeling. 

Riana, you love that stage. Yes, I do. How the hell could you let people take you from that? I don't know. Well, you better fucking stop. I'll try. And stop being so prejudice about people, you horrible son of a bitch. Ok.




And oh yea, Happy Father's Day, mom.