A lot of things have happened which I suppose I should talk about. Subconsciously I write lj entries in my head throughout the day. I guess I just get too lazy to actually type. Or.. I feel guilty because there are other things I should be doing. Like SAT and schoolwork and more school work and papers and fucking more papers. And you know what?
I haven't felt anything.
Do you know how scary that is? I can't express because I don't feel emotion. I feel as if I can't sing anymore, now that I'm realizing it. I haven't really sung anything in ages. As much as I surprsingly enjoy it, I do want to write more about chemiosmosis and cell membranes. I want the time to do so without worrying about AP Euro and other things.
No, scratch that. I can't even complain about the workload. Again, all my other classes besides AP Bio are a fucking joke, but I still got 100s for the marking period in Murphy's, Camp's, and Rackow's. It's hilarious and ironic to get such a grade in classes I don't care... but it's so empty. I'm doing all this work but it feels like... carrying Q-tips. It's the weirdest example, but the first thing that came to mind. See how pointless it is? Carrying pocketfuls and handfuls of Q-tips to the moon and back. Absolutely weightless. Absolutely meaningless. Yet, the job still gets done because it's too easy.
I miss my friends. I miss my class last year. I miss my family. I miss NYLF. I count my genuine laugh out loud laughter to about twice a week now. And oh, how it saddens me. Junior year has all the students jumble-mumbled. And as much as I was excited about it at first, how disappointing it was to find that I was mixed in with a lot of annoying people. That kind of thing kills a person, slowly. My smiles in the morning are a weight I have to lift, literally. I feel horrible when I can't engage in a good conversation with someone who walks up to me anymore. I look back and I can't help but wonder...
Where did she go? My old self. The one who was always so happy and bubbly and had a lot of friends. Who sang and danced and was amazing and had a story to tell. It's one of the few times I regard my past and present selves as individuals. But it really feels like it.
Junior year has a long ass resume. But why do I feel so empty? Maybe I would cry... if I had the emotion to.
I am 1 tsb. of peanut butter spread across the table.