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This is me.
Plain and Simple.
Zen Dog 
23rd-Jun-2008 11:23 pm
 Oh dear, oh my. It seems to me that I've gotten myself addicted to yet another K-Drama: My Girl. Yes, yes I know. I'm awfully late. They have a filipino version out in the Philippines. I mean, I don't want to bash but... yea, it pretty much fails in comparison to the original. My mom says she likes the flip version, but she knows she's lying to herself haha.


Ok. Anyway, on Saturday I finally got together with Francine to celebrate her birthday... which was on May 9. But hey, better late than never right? We went to Garden State Plaza only to shop at one store until closing time. Oh my God, the Forever 21 there is GODLY. Newport Mall fails a lot. Ah, so sick of that mall. 

Francine and I stayed there and shopped, shopped, shopped till literally we dropped from all the clothes we were carrying. Perfect bonding time with best friend, no? I made a pact with my mom stating that there was going to be no limit for me that day. I hardly buy clothes, and the majority of what I own comes from the 7th grade. Also, I needed business clothes for NYLF. So yes, a change was needed. In all, I (or rather, my mother) spent over $300. Ahhh there goes that Wii.. :] 

Yesterday, my cousin from my father's side asked me to sing at her baby's Christening. I find it quite ironic how I'm not close at all with my father, but I love my family on his side. I'm also glad they didn't forget me and my mother, though my dad hardly has contact. I also saw Raymond and Michael, my cousins, after 2 years! Raymond's the only cousin of my age in the States, and we grew up together. I think we  were each other's first kiss even, but that's mad nasty. We used to have adventures in his background. Dig up earthworms and desecrate them, chew "wheat grass." I miss him. Didn't notice that. He's awfully quiet now, though.

I don't detest my father, though I once thought I did. He's just... clueless I guess. A person who's clueless is annoying, but you can't hate them because... they just don't know anything. (Just cause he's Mormon he had to move to UT??) But whatever. Biologically he's my father, but by the definition of "dad" I can't really say. 

Well, I sang "Ikaw" and "Girl in 14G" and got great response. I've wondered why I seek compliments, but still don't believe that I'm all that great. I've come to the conclusion that I desperately want to entertain the audience. As long as I've made them happy, I don't have to worry about how bad I did. They won't have to know that I'm really quite horrible.

It makes me so happy to know I have my father's family's support, that I'm not just some "Bata ni Rick kay Bonna." It makes me happy that they remembered the little girl who sang kareoke. Ate Arpie (sp?) is incredibly beautiful, even at 30--and that's pretty young. Get this, her real name is really Filipina. We call her Arpie from Republic of the Philippines. Wow, now that's country pride. Ironically, her husband's white and at least 2 heads taller than her. They're incredibly cute together. Damn, their kid's gonna be tall. 

I was thinking a lot on the drive back. And you know what? I'm really liking this feeling of contentedness. There's no traditional teenage, deep-thinking, depressing thoughts to write about here... and that's a fucking relief. I'm enjoying life right now. It's not a big adventure or dramatic story or anything like that. Life's a beautiful story in itself. In the sunset, in the laughs, in walks, in the summer rains. I forget my name sometimes. I'm enjoying it by not getting too attached. 

And maybe because I'm finally getting what I want. A couple years ago I'd cry myself to sleep sometimes because I was so frrustrated with singing. I stopped voice lessons, I cracked everytime I performed, I hardly performed... I just wanted that recognition. But now, I've been given opportunities to sing and Lord, I am so greatful. But you know what? I had to chase after them. I had to chase for my opportunity to be happy, and then make myself happy. I'm also letting myself get to know more people, and it's wonderful.

But most of the blogs I read consist of dejectedness and guilt and depression and yadda yadda. We are such teenagers. I especially hate reading the same depressing blogs from the same people. I hate it because I want to help, but I really can't. Life can be hard, of course I know that. It's frustrating not knowing where the fuck you belong, letting go. I can't say that everyone should be (or can be) as optomistic. And some things just can't be helped. I find myself annoying sometimes, with the advice I give. Always look on the bright side! But Lord, I know sometimes there's none...

But Goddamit, you pick yourself up! The kind of happiness you want can only be achieved by you. Jesus, we're all trying to survive here, who's got time to be depressed? Nothing happens when you just sit there. A person can ask and vent and rant and whatever. I'll be that vent for you. But nothing's gonna happen unless you make it. 

Someone might think I'm working too hard, always being busy. An overachiever. But I'm just enjoying life here. And going as far as my little body can take me. 

24th-Jun-2008 05:53 am (UTC)
who the hell goes to newport i hate newport. nyc shopping all the way man~

ah, it's nice that you're chill with the other side of your family

sometimes i wonder why we all keep blogs. but hey whatever i'm working on the happy! slowly lol
25th-Jun-2008 02:39 am (UTC)
Yeah. My dad left us, but we're closest to his family. Word, son. I love them though. =)

Glad life is going good for you. =) I'm glad you're enjoying your talents. Hahaha. As for me, I finally wrote a new song. After, what? Two or three years? I'm so proud of myself.

Also, sorry my blog has to be one of the depressing, guilt-tripping ones! I usually only every write when I'm so upset that I have to write it down. Lol.
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