Incredible. I haven't updated this thing in such a long time. It's kind of ironic since I go through the day thinking about what I'm going to blog about. It feels like I do the blogging in my mind already. I should really start spending 30 minutes to write out my thoughts here. It helps.
Anyway, so many things happened since I last wrote. Even then, there were things I left out. Let's see... backtracking a month? Dracula was absolutely amazing. I think I finally know what it means to be in Musical Theater, and I love it all. Maybe I might get hated for that, but I don't really care. I didn't even completely lose touch with everyone after the show ended. My social circle at High Tech is expanding. It's kind of nice.
Gift circle came and went, but I had to miss it because of the piano recital. Thank God, that's a load off. I finally quit piano after 9 years. I guess it feels kind of weird--just stripping off that asiany piece of me. No, I really loved it... But I just lost that passion. And my workload just simply won't allow it. In any case, I guess that's the last time I'll see the "New York Giants" in a while. God, how incredibly awkward was that. We were so close before... But they all grew up of course. All in their 20s, in college, in a relationship. All paired up but me. Except for King, of course. However, he's my age. I've often wondered what if we.. but I wonder about that with every guy. No, of course. Haha. Still, they're not the playful 17 and 18 year old kuyas I used to hang out with and have fun sleepovers with. Yes, all guys. I guess that sort of made me boyish, and I prided on that. But maybe there's a limit. Maybe once a person reaches 20 he's too old to hang out with you. He's got his lady, you know. But that's alright. We all have to grow up. I'm happy they're happy and that we could still hug and take pictures.
I'm kinda proud with what I got people for Gift Circle. Basically, everyone gives the seniors and 4 random people a "meanigful" gift from around the house. No buying allowed. It's actually really easy to bullshit, but I wanted to give something nice. I got Nick the shirt he wore when we exchanged shirts. Ironically, he gave me the same thing. I gave Adrianna MJ's Thriller CD (I honestly couldn't find anything else). To Marko I gave my Build-A-Bear, Ryalle. At first I couldn't figure out what the hell to give him. But he gave the hint of being lonely, so I gave her to him. I gave Gaby... Jesus. I gave her my friggin journal. The only one I ever completed. It's quite uncanny (and frankly, quite annoying) how much we have in common. Though, I don't think I'm that OCD about everything. It's a hard truth. But I do believe that a person can be so determined to be happy that... she ends up being unhappy. It's your mindset, you know? If you think the world's out to get you then yes, it is.
I'm a slide. A fun, happy slide. Well.. as much as I can be.
But we are alike, and we think alike. Our history as well (it's the journal I wrote in when my dad came) So I gave her that. I gave Sam my autographed Xanadu playbill and Nikki a bag of garlic (unfortunately, she didn't get our inside joke) and Fade. Goddamit I friggin gave away Perks of Being A Wallflower to Andres! It was hard, but it worked. Finally, I gave Ralph my infamous orange and yellow volleyball--virtually the only piece of athletic equipment I've known. It kind of figures. He's the closest thing to a kuya I have. All those beautiful memories are in that ball.
So that's the Musical Theater updates. It's finally over. Now everyone starts from the bottom, desperately trying to hang on to a beautiful thing. This time, auditions are really auditions. Anyone (even the die-hard juniors) can get cut. There were 60 people at the audition, about 30 freshman who's notion of musical theater = High School Musical. I don't know. I don't think I have much to worry about. And if I don't get in, then I can do other things.
I'm sick. It's a beautiful 5-day weekend, and I'm sick, sick, sick as a dog. I do want to blame it on the world, but very often I stop myself and say "Shut the fuck up Riana, you brought this on yourself." And I did. I really did.
I talk to myself a lot.
"It's all this stress and homework piled on me." Well, maybe you couldn't handle it, big baby. "Is God punishing me?" Yes, because you didn't believe hard enough. "There's never enough time." There's never enough time.
My eyes are burning and I was just crying only a moment ago in the bathroom. Mom turnedd on the hot water so I could use it as a sort of humidifier, but I still couldn't breathe.
Wheeze. Wheeze. Wheeze.
I could be at Vanessa's instead of this. I could be practicing piano instead of this. I could be studying for zoovival instead of this. I could be singing instead of this.
I could be.. writing, or something. So much's on my mind.
I need to leave.
Spring's finally here. My favorite season. After a what seems to be the longest winter (and the cold always lasts long), flowers pop up on skeleton trees, proving they were alive after all. A warm breeze passes by me, and suddenly I don't really need to wear my jacket anymore. I see sun going down to APA. Sun pouring on walls and walls of building-- I'm witnessing something more. More than society, and buildings, and corporations, and things we people do.
I haven't looked at the sky in a while.
I guess I haven't enjoyed my season so much. I noticed that I've become a lot more cynical, sarcastic. Haven't been like that since 7th grade. Not sure if I really want to revert back to that state of mind and feeling. Damn, I was really depressed. But I'd sure like the deep, profound words. I feel really ignorant, it's sad. So goddamn young. But you know? I want to treasure my youth, but maybe I don't know how. No time. My life now is like Spring-- the shortest, most beautiful season of the year.
Something's happened to me. Or maybe I'll blame it on my period again. Hm, ever wondered that your vagina's a crying baby and you just stick a pacifier up its mouth so it can shut up? I don't know. Thought of that just now. See? I'm so blunt and ehhh. I wish I could be one of those happier, cute, perfectly talented people with all the confidence. See? There I go comparing myself again. Maybe I've been depressed, who knows. I've been losing a lot of my stuff lately, and it's annoying the shit out of me. It's not like me. My grades are slipping, I lost my wallet, headband, don't know about my scholarship, can't play piano, and my camera broke among many other things. I go crazy over the little things now. Last night I broke down in an empty house.
I know a lot of people believe in this but... I honestly don't have anywhere to turn to but God. Not meaning to sound preacher-ish. In fact, I think I let go of Him for a while. As if I could prove to myself that I really don't need Him and I could do things on my own. And can you believe, everything started going wrong? Isn't it cruel though?God, help me. You can't base yourself on material things. Temporary gifts society gives us. Life is so much more than that. It is more than that. Maybe I've forgotten a lot of things I've learned about the sky and how shadows dance on my wall at sunset and whatnot. All I've written for Gutmann were essays on how society affects this and that. And my eyes have been looking down too much. So I started thinking.
Someone asked me about love. "What is love?" Goodness, asking a 16-year old about a word that gets thrown around so easily. A deep, profound thing supposedly. Love essentially makes us human. With the word "love" you immediately think of the romantic kind, and my cynical self thinks of naive nonsense. But then I think of a mother's love and wow, it does blow you away. Imagine then, that romantic kind of love. I hope and wonder that it's truly more than just giving the other person a special kind of attention. That it's truly companionship and understanding. And often, it's "What is life without love?" Love for another? Another to love you? It's funny how a person needs to have another to listen to them and give them butterflies.You need to be loved and love another person.You need acceptance from others.
What about acceptance for yourself? "I'm alive." Have you ever thought about that? I can move! I can breathe! I feel feel the sun on my back! I talk! I can see all these beautiful thing! I'm a working machine! We understand that when some gadget doesn't work, it's because the batteries aren't working. What makes us work? I try thinking of that and "love" seems so base. Something we as humans created, among many other things. Love has stages you know. But it is our nature, however, to be with others. And thinking in terms of our human society box, love is a powerful bond that connects people, makes them do crazy things, makes them feel crazy. But I think of higher divorce rates, broken relationships, and absolute irony.
I want to love myself before I fall in love. Lord, it takes a day to fall in love but a whole lifetime to love. It's life, but I feel like I'm wasting it. Funny, huh? Coming from a 16-year old. It's true, I don't know shit. Maybe I can give a better answer when I'm older. I actually respect that word, and I don't want to throw it around. All I know is.. when I say it, there's a truth that washes over my body. But when it doesn't, that's when I know it's not that deep type of love.
Anyway, we started tech week for Dracula today. Lighting guy came and put it all together. Finally we saw how the audience would see the set with all the lights. And wow, the show is KICKIN BAS ASS. I honestly feel sorry for anyone who doesn't watch it. "It's $15!!" is such a bad excuse.
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: today is yesterday's tomorrow
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: and the sun will come out.. tomorrow
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: which is today
muziq x3 ri: or today\
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: so no worries
muziq x3 ri: xD
muziq x3 ri: arghh im confused but alright then
muziq x3 ri: lol oh teenage years
muziq x3 ri: you wont be that anymore soon :o
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: I kinda hope not
muziq x3 ri: dont wanna grow up?
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: don't want to stay too young
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: I hope I'm like my parents and age gracefully, feeling like I'm still a kid at heart
muziq x3 ri: hehe
muziq x3 ri: dont get so stressed
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: I try not to
muziq x3 ri: hmm i dont know about me though
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: you don't get stressed
muziq x3 ri: T.T
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: you're still young
muziq x3 ri: you know what?
muziq x3 ri: balance
muziq x3 ri: i work hard but set aside time for friends
muziq x3 ri: and once i get into college and get a damn good job with damn good salary
muziq x3 ri: and find a guy and family
muziq x3 ri: then i'll be happy
muziq x3 ri: and age gracefully
muziq x3 ri: i think you need to be with someone
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: you're still too young to worry about that stuff
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: life's short but the days are long
ExSpEcToVoBiS323: you have plenty of time to think about the future, so just live up the present
I don't like myself.
I don't even know who the fuck I am. I thought I did... Maybe it's a teenager-hormone thing. Always blaming it on the hormones. It's hard to explain. Everday I walk through the halls with a happy-go-lucky demeanor, smiling and poking fun at others to get a laugh out of them. What if it's not me? What if the person you see is only the person I want to be. I hate these fits of insecurity and doubt. Doubt in myself, my ability, and my worth. I couldn't even write about it for the longest time. Frankly, it scares me. It scares me not knowing my own identity.
I want... so many things. Not so much as physicial things, but I want to be someone else. Great. The best. Somebody. Yea I'm "good," but never "enough." I'm smart, but not enough to get recognized. I sing, but not as good as other people who are always, always, always younger than me. I do the theater shindig, but not nearly as good enough to ever get a role. I beasted at piano, but it all fell down the drain with sophomore year. I wrote pages and pages of words and thought--pure, deep thoughts-- said to be too mature for my age. Now, I feel so ignorant and stupid.
I want so badly to be that. Honestly, I thought so highly of myself in grammar school. Because I was all that... compared to the people in my grammar school. It's a joke, I tell you, a big fat sad joke that smacks you in the face when you get to high school. And I love high school. I feel so young and enlightened and carefree (sometimes). But sometimes .. it feels like I've missed so many opportunities to show my worth. And in the end, there wasn't any worth to show. I'm never good enough. I don't know who I am anymoree. Because I'm not even good at the things I love to do. Or thought I loved doing. Things I've just always done.
To be honest, I'm not used to not being on the top. Got used to it in grammar school I guess. I lie to myself a lot too. Trying to tell myself how things "really" work so I'm still decent where I stand. People would probably think I'm a snotty bitch and somebody needs to kick me off my high horse. Yea, I know that ok? I know that. I still want to be though. Kill me for my overambitiousness.
I'm always comparing myself with others. It's not good, I know.I preach against that myself, but you really can't help it. I'm trying to be myself, whoever that is, but I don't like what I see. There were days in my preteen years, when I was so carefree and proud of who I was. I spoke without trying to impress, I wrote without trying to impress, I just was. I.. don't even know what the hell I want to study for my career. We pick our majors next month and I just want to do a little bit of everything. I'm just so confused and annoyed and frustrated. Nobody sees me.
And another thing: I fucking hate being so short. I hate having to play the cute card unintentionally. I hate having the filipino stereotype follow me around. I hate being a sidenote.
But God, I'm trying so, so, so, so, so, so, so hard to love myself.
My silence probably implies that nothing much is going. But on the contrary, my dear, too many things have been swirling around in my noodle. I'm such a procastinator. Every night this past week I've been sleeping around 1-2. I really don't know why thinking back. Probably homework or something. Yesterday was Musical Theater. We practiced with the set for the first time, which was pretty cool. Just a hassle especially with spacing. I find that I'm not really scared of heights anymore. Ok yea, I still am. I think I need to stay away from Jason and Ralph for a while. I hate it when guys (coughactorscough) get too cocky and say whatever shit they want to. I know we have this "little girl/big brother/daddy" banter but seriously, they take it too far. And whenever I say something, they put me down like a "little girl." I'm getting incredibly annoyed with them commenting on me being asian. I'm going to take AP Bio, mom's forcing me to be a doctor, I live off of rice, I only hang out with certain people, I'm so short, etc etc. It's not even enough that I hear those comments among the sophomore class, but I gotta hear it from them too. I'm sick of it. Why doesn't anyone just look at me? I did a great thing yesterday and told them off. And I never get pissed off. Must've scared them. Oh well. I do love them though. It's quite funny.
Last night I took a nap at 8 pm and woke up at 4:52 am. I guess my body really needed to tell me something. It was beautiful. Got out of bed around 6 am and caught my mom before she left for work. It's a weird feeling, watching your parent leave for work at an early hour. Normally I would wake up just to find her gone, with the sun high in the sky already. But I saw her leave to work. I made her lunch, and it was nice. Then I cuddled in my bed and just wrote and wrote til 8. Then I got ready to sing for mass. Nancy pulled a 10:30 mass on me, but that was fine. I plan on staying home and relaxing for once. Oh, and play piano too.
I am asian.
Therefore I am these:
My chinky eyes
will only define
my overambitious wall
and lack of height.
My know-it-all mouth
will only partake
in rice with cats and dogs
eaten with chopsticks
My yellow skin
marks the world I'm in
and the ability to write scribble
and make sense of it.
I am the Oriental Voodoo Doll
sucking up to GI Joe
who one day I'll probably treat
for diabetes, my medical career in tow.
Oh, my ignorance. My ignorance.
my roots do stretch to the East--
(Land of grass-eating-piano-playing people)
But they anchor me here:
the Land of Opportunity
Land where my mother came
in her funny accent
not by boat, but by plane
to work for a better life and give me
chicken wings and Coach bags.
Yes I eat chicken wings--and hamburgers too.
I colored myself with hopes and dreams
But you color me yellow
Like a child using one crayon
Coloring across borders and borders
of a whole continent
Immediately I am this:
a list of characteristics
derived from one continent.
Gee, glad I made the cut.
There is identity
beneath this black hair.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
By the way, last Tuesday I got a bob virtually out of nowhere. Everyone was like whoa. I love it. People say they get haircuts to become a new person of sorts. To let go of the past. I love Lana. She's so adorable. Whilst the other Vietnamese workers at her salon speak in such harsh tongues, she's quiet softspoken and makes the language beautiful. She dealt with my transformation wonderfully.
is tangled in my hair
Blowing in my face
with your name still on it.
laces around my head
Around strands of matter already dead
Caught in a wind no longer there.
I've tripped on your face before
on the hinge of my door
while trying to leave and get a cut
Still you met me on the floor
of the scissors know
the eagerness of mine
to see my soul.
And on my lap fell your kiss
On my shoulder fell your gaze
On her hand fell your tiny lisp
On the floor fell your gait.
And in the mirror I face
my face premiering before
strangers behind me.
Guilt fails to seep in
For on my scalp
above all things,
I keep your love.
Don't feel bad.
Maybe you won't be able to see this
I look good.
Hmm.. I've been thinking a lot. I really should write more. Gutmann makes me feel so ignorant and stupid. Dracula is on the way, and I'm shaking in my boots. Piano makes me cry. Singing is opening new doors for me. Recently got $75 for doing a wedding yay! Haha, it's really not a lot. But it's such a good feeling getting paid for something you love to do. I'm writing poetry again, which I haven't done in a while. I suck, really. But it's something I've always had. I want to learn more about the world because I feel ignorant, therefore childish. God bless Martin Luther King Jr. and Charlton Heston. I heard they were good people.
Oh. Watch the music video for "Total Eclipse of the Heart" LOL.
I am an emotional bubbling fountain-wreck.
The past two weeks have been crazy. I've been meaning to write all about it, truly. But I guess I just haven't had the time. Or rather, part of me wants to forget and just move on. In the end, the words go nowhere and I need to throw up.
No, I literally need to throw up. I'll update later.
I hated it before. I was so --and still am-- very happy for them, but all Ralph did was talk about how great things are. You know.. the morning after I finished crying. So conveniently during the time I wasn't feeling too good about things. He says and does things all the things I couldn't before. I don't know if they understand how privileged they are. And how... jealous I am. And he says things like "I haven't seen her in such a long time." Well when we dated, I only saw Sal once a month. I love Ralph, but he really needs to think before he does things, really. But... Francine really needs him so oh well. I'm just letting out my frustration now because it bothered me before.
But forget about that.
I just felt a sense of self-empowerment. Feeling better. I am Kate Chopin.